Legendary hockey reporter Stan Fischler writes a weekly scrapbook for NHL.com. Fischler, known as "The Hockey Maven," shares his humor and insight with readers each Wednesday. This week delves into hockey humor and assorted punchlines delivered over the years by players, coaches and general managers.
One of the more entertaining aspects of the Stanley Cup championships won by the Florida Panthers (two) and Tampa Bay Lightning (two) the past five years has been the humor delivered by coaches Paul Maurice of Florida and Jon Cooper of Tampa Bay.
A typical Maurice one-liner followed his postgame explanation of a message he delivered to his players during a Stanley Cup Playoff series against the Boston Bruins.
"I wasn't mad at them," chirped Maurice, "I just thought they needed some profanity in their lives, and I brought some."
After the Panthers won the Stanley Cup in June 2024, Maurice said, "I never hugged so many sweaty men in my life!"
Referring to the Colorado Avalanche after they defeated the Lightning in the 2022 Stanley Cup Final, Cooper said, "You can go to driver school and pass the test, but it doesn't mean that you're a heck of a driver. Experience matters."
The following is a list of favorite wisecracks based on personal experience and gems from Glenn Liebman's excellent collection, "Hockey Shorts: 1,001 of the Game's Funniest One-Liners" starting with former Vancouver Canucks coach/general manager Harry Neale:
"I told them that practice was optional, not the game," he said after a Canucks loss.
"He's so strong, he doesn't call the cattle in. He carries them in." -- Gordie Howe talking about muscular Bobby Hull, who owned a farm in the offseason.
"It was a good news-bad news type of situation. The good news is that we won; the bad news is that my average is 9.00." -- Canucks goalie John Garrett after winning 10-9 against the Minnesota North Stars on Oct. 7, 1983, the first game of the 1983-84 season.
"I knew it was time to retire when a rookie asked me if he could take my daughter out on a date." -- Bruins goalie Rejean Lemelin
"Phil Watson should know better than that; I only drink Johnny Walker Scotch." -- New York Rangers goalie Lorne "Gump" Worsley after Watson bawled him out for having a "beer barrel belly."
"He doesn't look like the paper boy. He looks like the paper boy's little brother." -- Detroit Red Wings GM Bryan Murray on 21-year-old goalie Chris Osgood.
"I've seen better ice on the roads in Saskatchewan." -- Rangers GM Emile "The Cat" Francis, discussing the poor rink conditions at Madison Square Garden.
"Our best system of forechecking is to shoot the puck and leave it there." -- Neale
"Coaching is aggravation. You give the players aggravation, and they give it back." -- New York Islanders coach Al Arbour.
"I can be out of town in 20 minutes; 30 if I have stuff at the cleaners." -- New Jersey Devils coach Tom McVie on his frequent moves.
"When you're a coach, you're miserable. When you're not a coach, you're more miserable." -- Fred Shero, coach of the Philadelphia Flyers.
"I hope they bury me in the corner of the cemetery, because if I'm in a corner, I'll be able to rest in peace forever." -- Bruins forward Wayne Cashman, one of the NHL's most tenacious forecheckers.
"Trying to keep him out of the crease was like trying to tackle a jaguar. Not the animal, the automobile." -- Rangers defenseman Ron Greschner on 6-foot-3, 230-pound Flyers forward Tim Kerr.
"My players don't like my practices, but that's OK, because I don't like their games." -- Neale
"The playoffs separate the men from the boys, and we found out we have a lot of boys in our dressing room." -- Rangers GM Neil Smith after a six-game loss to the Washington Capitals in the 1991 Patrick Division Semifinals.
"Last season we couldn't win at home, and this season we can't win on the road. My failure as a coach is that I can't think of anyplace else to play." -- Neale
"But Al had a better second half than I did." -- Chicago Black Hawks goalie Glenn Hall on out- scoring his defenseman Al MacNeil during the season (2-1). Hall had his two assists in the first half of the 1965-66 season.
"It's supposed to be their year every year." -- Montreal Canadiens defenseman Serge Savard after being asked if 1992 was the Rangers' year.
"The Rangers." -- Worsley after being asked which NHL team gave him the most trouble.
"I'd spend six months behind bars to have him on my team. Not only would I take jail, I'd take bread and water." -- coach Terry Crisp discussing the genius of Mario Lemieux.
"Hockey was my life. This could be my death after life." -- Gerry Cheevers after the Bruins started the 1980-81 season, his first as an NHL coach, 3-9 with one tie.
"I'm supposed to stop the puck, not beat it up." -- Minnesota North Stars goalie Don Beaupre, on being relatively small for a goalie (5-10, 175 pounds).
"When my ship comes in, there'll be a dock strike." -- Baltimore Skipjacks coach/GM Gene Ubriaco after the unaffiliated American Hockey League team lost 18 consecutive games to begin the 1987-88 season.
"He looked like Bobby Orr out there. However, on some nights he looks more like iron ore." -- Los Angeles Kings coach Tom Webster on a magnificent goal by defenseman Rob Blake.
